I Finally Had to Admit I Was Bitter
For a long time, I did not think I was bitter.
A friend asked me, “Are you bitter?”
I said, “No, I’m just hurt. Disappointed.”
I felt vulnerable. Unsafe. And, exhausted.
I thought I had every right to feel the way I felt. And to protect myself from it happening again.
And some of what happened to me was very painful.
Some of it really was unfair. Unjust. Uncalled for. Not right.
But somewhere along the way, my hurt had quietly turned into bitterness, without me realizing it.
Not all at once.
Little by little.
Before you continue reading, I encourage you to watch the full video:
π₯ I Do Everything Around Here
π Watch here
And, you might like this part especially:
Timestamp: 06:25 When Resentment and Self Pity Begin to Grow
And the frightening thing about bitterness is that you can carry it for years without fully realizing it’s there.
Because bitterness rarely introduces itself by name.
It sounds more like:
π “People have let me down too many times; I’m not going to trust people anymore”
π “I’m just protecting myself, which is what any sane and responsible person should do”
π “I’ve been through more than anyone knows”
π “I don’t want to experience that pain again”
π “No one understands what I’ve gone through, because I’m not telling anyone”
And underneath all of that…
your heart slowly hardens.
Not toward everyone at first.
Without realizing it, your heart slowly begins hardening toward God.
And you don’t realize you’re doing it.
You just aren’t thinking He could be behind your pain.
You can’t understand why or how a “loving God could allow something like this”...
Because if God is truly sovereign…
if He really is in control…
then, eventually, you have to wrestle with the fact that He allowed it… and could have stopped it, but didn’t.
What kind of God does that?
And that is when you may begin quietly pulling away from Jesus.
Still attending church.
Still reading your Bible.
Still serving.
Still functioning.
But not fully surrendered.
Not fully trusting.
Not letting God have control.
π₯ Start with the Complete Spirit, Soul, and Body Playlist
π Watch the playlist here
You probably couldn’t even put it into words. You’re just in protection mode.
Trying to drive the vehicle that is called your life.
Trying to control your life.
You never want to get hurt that deeply again.
You also want to protect everyone around you so they don’t get hurt like that, either.
I understand that because I lived there.
I had to admit the truth.
I was bitter.
Not just hurt.
Bitter.
And I had to agree with God about it.
That is what repentance is.
Agreeing with God.
Turning away from the direction you were going.
Surrendering your way for His.
I remember knowing I wasn’t capable of forgiving.
I did not FEEL emotionally ready.
I still felt wounded.
I was afraid of getting hurt again.
I still desperately wanted to protect my heart…
And, I didn’t know HOW to let go of the bitterness.
But I made a decision with my will. A choice.
I told God:
“I choose to forgive.”
“I choose to surrender this to You.”
“I choose to believe that You are able to make the impossible possible.”
“So, I choose to let the bitterness go, stop protecting myself, and forgive (because You have forgiven me for far greater sins, and You command me to forgive others, too).
And, so, I’ll trust you.
And I ask You to please make my emotions follow, because I don’t feel it, but I’m going to obey.”
That mattered because surrender and obedience often come before feelings. Your emotions just catch up.
Scripture says:
“Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.”
Job 13:15
That is real surrender.
Not:
“I trust God when life feels good.”
But:
“I will trust Him even here.”
Even in disappointment.
Even in heartbreak.
Even when life did not turn out the way I thought it would or should.
And something happened when I finally surrendered.
Not instantly or emotionally.
But spiritually.
The prison door opened.
Because bitterness keeps you chained to the hurt.
But surrender places the hurt into God’s hands.
That does not mean what happened was acceptable.
It does not mean the pain was fake.
It means you stop placing yourself above God and saying:
“My way should have been better than Yours.”
And instead, you fall to your knees and say:
“Lord, I trust You, even here.”
If your circumstances have caused you to doubt, remember that God uniquely created you for His purpose.
You can read more here: Uniquely Created By God For A Purpose
I believe that You are a Just God, that You will make all things right in the end, and that it’s not my job to punish, but Yours.
When I step out of the way and don’t seek revenge myself, God is able to do what He wants to and often brings swift punishment
(sometimes in the heart which He convicts of sin).
That is where freedom begins.
Around this same time, I remember standing in my bedroom, feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit so strongly, and sensing Him say:
“Just let Me know when you’re finished.”
I had been trying to be my husband’s Holy Spirit.
I was trying to control what only God could change.
But the moment I stepped out of the way and surrendered it to God, He began doing what I could never do myself.
Do you know God? Really know God?
Are you believing in the God of the Bible or a made-up God Who doesn’t resemble the God of the Bible at all?
Do you believe in a God Who would send His Only Son to die a horrible death on a cross?
Do you believe in a God Who would allow His Only Son to suffer so many things in order to save you?
I had trouble with that for a long time.
Because I had a wrong view of trials and trouble.
Watch the full video above...
I had to experience triumph through the trial of ovarian cancer before I understood that a pain-free life isn’t the goal.
For me, or for my kids.
I’ve talked about that in another blog post.
I’m not talking about burying your hurt or saying it didn’t happen.
You are giving it to God, without understanding, without being in control. Trusting Him to work it all out for good, not saying it is good.
You are believing He can make amazing good come out of what you’ve suffered.
You are believing in the God of the Bible, Who is Sovereign, Who truly loves you, and you are placing yourself into His hands once again.
You’re not pretending you weren’t hurt.
You’re not stuffing your emotions.
You’re not trying harder to “feel forgiving.”
You’re just surrendering. To Him.
Real surrender.
The kind that opens the shutters of your heart again and allows the Holy Spirit to freely move in and through you once more.
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